My 0-3 start plagues my mind. I can't sleep! I can't eat! I can't...ah, you're not buying this are you? I didn't think so. Fortunately for me, I plan ahead. And I planned contingencies for my incompetence.
For instance, there are certain games where I can totally lose, and still earn a checkmark. Like Spider Solitaire.
I did breeze through the first two difficulty levels, but now I am at the hardest setting. I have had many friends tell me that they have never won Spider Solitaire with four suits. I WILL DO EET. I WILL DO EET RIGHT NOW. HERE I GO TO DO EET!
...
I didn't do eet. I lost three times. Developing a strategy to beat the game at this level will take time. And like chess, sports games, and poker tournaments, all I have to do to earn a checkmark is compete. Eventually I will win one, and then this game will be complete, and off the list. We'll see how long that takes.
Anyway, I lost. Checkmark acquired anyway. Incompetence rulez!
________________________________________________________________________
Time for some pure action: Devil May Cry!
Before Mission Three begins, I use some red orbs to give myself a new lightning strike power. Nice!
Mission Three: Get the Pride of Lion Magic Whazihoozit. Why? No explanation needed! Alrighty, say I!
I start in a big room with wavy, shifty pillars and two doors with force fields in front of them. Creepy. Can't get those pillars at Ikea, I suspect. In the front of my room is the object I seek: the Pride of Lion. I get it and then go home to watch some football.
What do you mean I can't just have it? Bah, say I. A magic message happens. Go to the path or something and do something yadda yadda. I shrug my shoulders, one of the force fields disappears. I run through it. Hey, I have a large glowing sword in one hand, and a shotgun with unlimited magic ammunition in the other. I'm good to go!
I find myself on a large thin bridge on the top of the castle, with a nice outdoor view. Scenic! On the other side of the bridge is a little circular area. There's red orbs in it, I grab em. There is a symbol of Hermes on the wall. I look at it. I get a vague message about the fact that it is the Symbol of Hermes and something mystical has happened but I don't understand it yet.
Truthfully, I don't understand anything that's happening in this illogical game. But who needs logic when you've got a glowing sword in one hand and a shotgun with unlimited ammo in the other? Not THIS GUY.
A stone tablet tells me to go back across the bridge where I came from. There's no other exits. So, uh, the stone tablet was not revelatory, was it? Somebody call somebody.
Okay, that now handled, I run back across the bridge and AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
The bridge collapses! I am...fine-o. Okay, then. Wait, I'm underwater. I have no air. I can't breathe. I can't...er....hey, I can breathe. I knew my character, Alastor, looked suspiciously like Aquaman. I run around underwater, until I come to an area with a glowing circular disc.
Six Giant skulls appear from the murky depths and attack me. But they are no match for THIS GUY!
I step on the circular disc. I get it. I did this a few days ago in God of War. It's going down!
It doesn't go down. It teleports me back to the room with the Pride of Lion. Holy Materialization, Batman.
I grab the Pride of Lion. Yee-Ahhh. It's mine, all mine!
Cut Scene!
The biggest spider ever appears. He approaches me. I stand there looking cool and bored. Pee secretly drips down my left leg.
He starts chatting with me. He calls me puny or something. I laugh at him. I insult him back. Good idea, Me.
We fight! I jump around, shoot and hit him with my sword. The game insults me by calling my sword attacks dull. Yeah, in this game you get red orbs based on your style when you are fighting. If the game perceives you are using super sweet moves, you get more style points. If it doesn't, you get mocked. Dull! Boring!
Dude, I am fighting for my life against a giant talking demon spider. Sorry to lack the proper panache. Then I am reminded of Cyrano De Bergerac, and it all makes sense. Whatever. Nothing in this game makes sense. Well, except one thing!
I shoot him the face point blank with my shotgun! That makes sense! I stab him. I stab him more. I use a health star thing and regenerate. Boom. Stab. Stab. Boom.
This goes on for awhile. I do physics-defying mid-air cartwheels and chop at him. Boring, it tells me. Whut?
I kill the giant talking demon spider. Whatitzface. It sinks into the ground all the way back to the fiery pits of Hell. The second door opens, I run through it. Level Cleared. Checkmark achieved!
How Now Brown Cow. I thought getting that first checkmark even though I lost would turn the tide. And I was right. Round Three, I am ready for you! Let's Do This.
______________________________________________________________________________
I put the oddity that is Dark Cloud into my Playstation 2. I look through the people and items I collected in the last level of the dungeon, and end up fully configuring two more houses. One of the people inside gives me a larger pouch so I can hold more items. Nice!
I move some houses around to fulfill people's mundane requests. Bah. I saved your life. But that's not good enough for you is it? You want your house by the fishing pond. Okay then! Ingrate. There. Go fish!
I do this with five houses, buy items from the store, and then I am ready for level 14 of the dungeon! Me and Cat Girl I forget her name. She used to be a cat, due to magic she is now a cat girl. Don't ask me how. It's magic!
I go into cave level 14 and kill-i-fy monsters galore. The annoying thing about this game is that you have to constantly watch your weapons' stamina rating. Every time you hit a monster, it gets closer to breaking. If your weapons break, they vanish. Forever! No getting them back, even though you spent tons of time upgrading them.
Yeah. So I have to reboot a few times as some of my weapons break mid-fight. Doh. One time I die stupidly, which costs me half my gold. Reboot.
After about an hour, I get all 8 of the Geospheres on Level 14, and make it back to the village. I unlock everything, and now the village is complete! The Hag (I'm not making this up) that I free from geosphere limbo tells me I can store items in her closet, that will be handy. Up until now I either had to carry it or sell it off. Now I have a place to put things I don't need, like all of the bait to go fishing in the pond with.
A woman that I unlock from geosphere limbo named Alnet, no relation, gives me a fishing pole. Woo Hoo. Now I can play the fishing mini-game too! Let's go try it.
I put one of my bait onto the hook. I cast my rod into the pond. I stand there. After a couple of seconds there is a crazy vibration. I try to pull the pole back. Nothing seems to have happened. I do this a few more times, and my bait "runs out." Eh? I try it again. Same thing. Okay, we'll figure this out next session, cause frankly its not that interesting.
All of the houses are in place, and the people of Norune Village saved. Hooray for me. The Hag asks me to save Dran. He sounds like a wizard type who probably knows where I need to go next, now that this village has been fully rebuilt.
Guess I'll be heading back into the caves. I use Repair Powder on all of my weapons, and am fully prepared. However, that is a checkmark. I'll be saving Dran in round four, thank you very much.
_________________________________________________________________________________
Back for my daily punishment. In other words: Mahjong Titans. We'll try out the Fortress layout design this time around. I am 0-4 on this design so far. Gah.
Annnnnd...
0-5!
Annnd.....
HOLY!! I DID EEET! I have defeated the Fortress layout design. That is 3 out of the 6 designs conquered. That's an unexpected checkmark. I have officially turned Round 3 around. What about it?
___________________________________________________________________________
Here's the scoreboard: Round 3
MIND TEASERS: 2 of 6 defeated
Chess Titans - 2
Gabriel Knight - 2
Mahjong Titans - 3
Sherlock Holmes - 2
Spider Solitaire - 3
World Series of Poker - 2
STRATEGY: 0 of 6 defeated
Civilization - 2
Europa Universalis - 2
Gladius - 2
Space Empires - 2
Suikoden Tactics - 2
World of Mixed Martial Arts - 2
SHOOTER: 0 of 6 defeated
Crysis - 2
Fallout 3 - 2
Freedom Fighters - 2
Killzone - 2 (Note to self: Stop getting shot in the head.)
Ring of Red - 2
Star Wars Battlefront - 2
PURE ACTION: 1 of 6 defeated
Devil May Cry - 3
God of War - 2
Madden Football - 2
Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams - 2
Soul Reaver 2 - 2
Soul Caliber - 2
SWORD SLASHERS - 1 of 6 defeated
Champions: Return to Arms - 2
Dark Cloud - 3
Drakengard - 2
.Hack Infection - 2
Oblivion: Elder Scrolls - 2
Shadow of Rome - 2 (Must get better at hitting armed guards from behind with clay pots)
EPIC - FANTASY - 0 of 6 defeated
Dragon's Age Origin - 2
Dragon's Quest 8 - 2
Final Fantasy 12 - 2
Suikoden 3 - 2
Suikoden 4 - 2
Suikoden 5 - 2
EPIC - OTHER GENRES 0 of 6 defeated
Kingdom Hearts - 2
Marvel Ultimate Alliance - 2
Mercenaries - 2
Rogue Galaxy - 2
Star Ocean - 2
Xenosaga - 2
ROCKSTAR MISSION BASED 0 of 6
Assassin's Creed - 2
GTA: Liberty City Stories - 2
Hulk - 2
Manhunt 2 - 2
The Warriors - 2
Urbz - 2
No comments:
Post a Comment