Welcome to the September edition of The Insanity Project! What's changed since yesterday? Nothing! What about it?
I started today's gaming adventures with Final Fantasy 12. When last the snot-nosed punk and my party of unscrupulous thieves left off, we had just rescued my gal-pal in the mines. She's safe, and to get a meeting with the Marques of the city, I run around pretending to be a traitor to the land, of course he's one of my party members anyway.
The ploy works, we get brought to a local tavern by a group of the underground movement, and that lands us a meeting with the Marquis, who is supposedly working against the Empire.
I take the opportunity to go shopping and get myself a nifty new sword. +4 damage from the last one, oooh!
We go to the meeting, but the Marquis isn't helping us after all. He calls for the guard and we're arrested. Back in chains again! That keeps happening in this game. We're transferred to a prison ship where we learn that the resistance leader is actually the Princess of the Empire. Our very own Leia! The stone I stole in the royal vault does a weird-o glowy thing, that apparently proves that the Princess's identity is genuine, thus she won't get hanged, and maybe can help us later. I hope so.
In a nice cut scene, my team beats the crap out of the guards, and one of them is a rebel leader we met in the pub. He joins us. I guess we'll be fighting our way out...next time.
Cause the story has progressed, that's a checkmark. Time to move on.
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Onto Shadow of Rome. I am playing Octanavius, great-nephew of the recently assassinated Ceasar. You play two characters in this game, one a cool sword wielding legionairre, and this little cretin who can't fight.
I am taught the basic elements of stealth by an old guy who is thankful to my family for saving his life on a battlefield a long time ago. His elements of stealth could have been a list made by a third grader after playing a few games of Hide-And-Seek. Thanks for the deep knowledge, buddy.
I then went to the Forum, listened to the soldiers there complain about their back wages not being paid, and found two coins on the floor. Now I've got four silver! I'm rich-o-rama!
I leave the Forum and go to the Senate house. After telling a guard in front of a warehouse about the soldiers striking in the Forum, he abandons his post! That's high treason buddy. Oh well, you were only a plot device.
I illegally enter the warehouse, where I go through a tutorial mission about sneaking around as Octavius. It does take me three tries to get all the way through the maze of guards, but then I find a Senator with his back turned reading a book.
I bravely grab a jug off a shelf, and conk him in the head with it. Then I steal the completely innocent man's clothes. I am the hero! Now I can walk right through the guards without an issue. One of them asks me a question. I tell him my name, and keep on walking.
I'm out the door. Now I will be able to enter the Senate House cause I am dressed like one. But that is for next time. Mission Accomplished. That's a checkmark.
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I realize I have nothing complete in the Rockstar Games category, and my Playstation 2 needs a rest, so I load up Assassin's Creed in my computer.
I need more information before I can kill the fourth target so I hit up one of my fellow assassination buddies not-so-inconspicuously standing on the top of a staircase. Instead of just giving me the info, he's going to make me kill 2 of HIS four targets on his mission first. You lazy bastard! You think I'm going to do your job for you? Of course I will!
So now I have to kill-i-fy two guards in open space in only 3 minutes. I hate timed missions! Gah.
Apparently they have this stupid rule in this city where you can't murder people in broad daylight. Buffoons! Don't they know who I am? I get swarmed by city guards and the mission is a failure. Apparently I have to follow these dudes around until they end up in convenient spots for me to murder them. In only 3 minutes? What?
I try it three times, and get swarmed by guards each time as I have not been able to locate these dudes quickly enough to kill them in the shadows like you need to. Oh well, we'll come back to this another day when I am feeling more stealthy.
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I try my hand at GTA: Liberty City Stories. I go see JD, but he's in a leather freak outfit getting it on with some hookers. My Italian mafioso character acts appropriately homophobic for the genre, and after JD changes I get in his van and we rush around the red light district collecting money from all of his hookers. Unfortunately, this is a timed mission and I try this sucker four times without collecting all the money I need. Came very close twice but you have to kill a few pimps who are stealing JD's dough along the way, and those guys can run fast in those purple suits!
I switch gears to go over to Vincenzo's to see what kind of mission he has for me. He wants me to pick up his sports car in Trenton that's full of cocaine to deliver to him. But when I get in the car, cops show up. It's a sting! I try and race out of there, but they cut me off well, and eventually after hitting the wall and the cops a hundred times, I blow up into small bite-size mafioso pieces.
Obviously, hand-eye-coordination is not my forte today. I'll stay away from the Rockstar games types until tomorrow, perhaps, when I'm better rested and my reflexes are on point.
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Since I am too uncoordinated for the Playstation 2, I have switched gears and decided to try my hand at Oblivion: Elder Scrolls, the longest game in existence, that I know of.
Its so big I have a chart of tasks in its own notebook! According to the chart, its time to head back into the land of Shumagorath, ruled by the Lord of Insanity. We're pals. Hey, this is the Insanity Project, after all.
Its time for me to do a freelance quest in this land, according to the chart. Sorry Shumagorath, your war with the Lord of Order will have to wait until I have collected more gold. Hoo hah! Its all about THIS GUY.
I am going down to the southern part of the land to check out a rumor about a haunted castle called Vitharn. Its a long walk, can't bring my horse into this world, so we're jogging in ultra-heavy armor. Along the way, I get into a bunch of minor skirmishes with tree creature dudes, a giant undead cat thing, and hey, it's one of those goofy Knights of Order. He and I are having a heck of a sword duel when a giant monster thing comes out of the swamp and attacks both of us. Three way war!
AND I AM THE LAST ONE STANDING. YEE-AHH! Hey, this Knight of Order has a sword worth 1500 gold pieces. We'll be keeping that for later. Now, onto the Vitharn!
Holy Crap. There's two armies of ghosts battling each other as I arrive. Its obvious quickly whose side I need to be on, as one of the armies are called Fanatics, and they attack me. The other side doesn't attack me. Maybe I should attack them! Yee-Ahhhh!
I don't attack them. I have to battle the fanatics all around the place, the main door has cool ethereal ghost chains locking it, and a force field. Somebody doesn't want THIS GUY to get in. Bastards! Don't you know I ran all this way in heavy armor????
I find a door in a tree stump. Don't ask. Inside, more fanatic ghost guys, and I find another locked door with ethereal chains. Bah! I keep going and come to an unlocked door, and we go inside. That's where we are. I am heading back in. I wanted to write all of this down before I forgot.
And inside the door we go....
I am immediately met by the lord of the place. He's a ghost! He's dead-o! So is everyone else. Apparently four people screwed the pooch when fanatic enemies came to kill them, and the gate opened and everyone was slaughtered. Sheogorath was po'ed by their cowardice and cursed everybody. Now they have to replay their deaths over and over. Nice one, God of Insanity.
Will I help by changing the actions of the four people who screwed the pooch? What's in it for me? Eh? Eh? He doesn't tell me.
I go about solving the problem. Get the sucker stamp, ready. I am the hero!
So the people who screwed the pooch are an archer who can't get any arrows because the orc dude that is running the armory refuses to give any of the weapons out to people, he thinks they need to stay in the armory. What? Oh right, we're in a land where everyone is insane somehow. Let's keep that in mind.
I put on all of my stealth gear, sneak into the armory, and steal the arrows because that's what I do. I steal things for goodness! I give her the arrows, and now she can fight. She puts an arrow through a dude's eye before she and the rest of the gang are slaughtered again. One problem solved.
Next dude who screwed the pooch is a mage who has a shortage of mana. He needs a magic item to absorb mana from. I find one in his room, a magic dagger. I give it to him. He's all like thanks, now I need to activate it.
And he stabs me! What? You bastard! I'm paralyzed as the fanatics come back, but they ignore me since I'm not a ghost. The mage dude fires off a magic blast and kills one of them before the slaughter continues. Now there's only two of them left. If we can kill those guys, they'll never open the gate and the curse will be lifted.
The third guy's problem stumps me for awhile. His family was killed and now he is obsessed with a doll that he thinks is his beloved. Riiiiiight. I give him the doll and during the fight he runs away to protect her. That was not the solution. Everyone is slaughtered again. I retrieve the doll and give it to one of the fanatics next time they attack. This dude tries to save her, but he and the gang get slaughtered.
Apparently, when the shades vanish so does the doll. This time he resigns himself to the fact that she is gone forever, and he cleaves a dude during the fight. That only leaves one before the gang is once against slaughtered, but another problem solved.
Now I have to return to the lord of the castle. He tells me that he is the fourth guy to screw the pooch. He should have fought on the front line but instead he ran like a coward, and that's why everybody died. He can't do anything about it now because of the curse, but if I wear his magic helmet, the shades will react like I am one of them and attack me, as if I were the lord of the castle. Riiight. Sure, let me take your place and maybe get killed by ghosts for no reason. That sounds like a great idea!
Okay, I'll do it.
I wear the helmet. When the fanatic ghosts come back, I fight the leader in a big bloody duel, and after I beat him, we win and the Lord of the Castle is all like "Thanks, man. Now the curse is lifted and we can rest in peace." I'm all like "Peace out, man." He lets me keep his magic helmet.
It's not as good as the magic helmet I already had. Lame! I will sell it off, though, for decent gold.
Mission Accomplished. That's a checkmark. And since its now after midnight, that's all for this day of game playing.
And the board for Round 2 looks like this:
MIND TEASERS: 2 of 6 defeated
Chess Titans - 1
Gabriel Knight - 1
Mahjong Titans - 1
Sherlock Holmes - 2
Spider Solitaire - 2
World Series of Poker - 1
STRATEGY: 3 of 6 defeated
Civilization - 2
Europa Universalis - 1
Gladius - 2
Space Empires - 1 (1/2 hour played. 1/2 hour to go until checkmark)
Suikoden Tactics - 1
World of Mixed Martial Arts - 2
SHOOTER: 3 of 6 defeated
Crysis - 2
Fallout 3 - 1
Freedom Fighters - 2
Killzone - 2
Resident Evil 4 - 1
Ring of Red - 1
PURE ACTION: 4 of 6 defeated
Devil May Cry - 2
God of War - 1
Madden Football - 2
Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams - 2
Soul Reaver 2 - 2
Soul Caliber - 1
SWORD SLASHERS 3 of 6 defeated
Champions: Return to Arms - 1 (Hacking Orcs A' Plenty)
Dark Cloud - 1
Drakengard - 2
.Hack Infection - 1 (Level Grinding in progress)
Oblivion: Elder Scrolls - 2
Shadow of Rome - 2
EPIC - FANTASY 3 of 6 Defeated
Dragon's Age Origin - 1
Dragon's Quest 8 - 1
Final Fantasy 12 - 2
Suikoden 3 - 1
Suikoden 4 - 2
Suikoden 5 - 2
EPIC - OTHER GENRES 3 of 6 Defeated
Kingdom Hearts - 2
Marvel Ultimate Alliance - 2
Mercenaries - 1
Rogue Galaxy - 1
Star Ocean - 2
Xenosaga - 1
ROCKSTAR MISSION BASED 0 of 6 defeated
Assassin's Creed - 1
GTA: Liberty City Stories - 1
Hulk - 1 (Tough Boss Fight!)
Manhunt 2 - 1
The Warriors - 1
Urbz - 1
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