Progress 9/14

Time for a little Hack N' Slash .Hack Infection style. I sell off some useless items I found while in the last dungeon and head into the gate for the solo mission. It's a level 7 Area and Dungeon and I'm level 8, so I feel pretty confident.

Put them words on my tombstone, please.

After getting whacked a few times outside, I finally come up with a battle strategy that works and kill off the giant stone monsters chasing after me. I head into the dungeon, full of piss and vinegar and about to lose both.

Mia, the contact who is waiting for me at the bottom of this dungeon, says something cryptic to me, and I ignore her blathering and focus on kill-i-fying monsters. It's a tough go, and one particular battle has three big monsters against me. I beat them, but use up half of my battle cards, and more than half of my health potions. That's a bad sign right there. There will be a boss at the end of this, after all.

Like a big dufus, I forge ahead. I now remind myself of one of those game show contestants that should just make the deal and take the money, but says no, and then ends up with 50 cents instead of 200K.

I have accrued lots of XP and treasures, and I should just leave, save the game, and level up some more.

I go down to the next level. I survive it, but use most of the rest of my health potions. Now I am the game contestant that went home with 50 cents instead of half a million dollars.

I go down to the sixth and final level. Mia mocks me some more, she wants to see what my special bracelet can do, and unleashes a gianganto green dragon on me! Holy $$#$! In the moment, I name him Big Greenie.

I whack it a bunch of times but it is currently impossible to damage. I hit it with a ton of battle cards, and in the process, use up all but 2 of my health potions, before finally smashing its invulnerabilty shield and being able to use my Data Drain power on it to de-power it.

Depowered it has 900 hit points! WTF??

And me with just 2 health potions left. Oh boy. I do have a healing power, but to use it, I have to pose like an Egyptian with constipation and chant, making me a nice target for Big Greenie's flame power.

I run like a madman, pegging him with Battle Cards. But he whacks me with his flame power and I am down to 10 hit points and no health potions left. I have no choice, I pose like an Egyptian with constipation and chant.

Big Greenie takes the opportunity to toast me to a tender crispy brown, and then he eats me.

Game Over.

That is very much not a checkmark. This is a situation where I will apparently need to gain a few more levels and enter the dungeon with about 50 more health potions than I did, before I'll have a chance to defeat both the dungeon levels above, and then Big Greenie himself.

Okay, then. Damn. Round Three is kicking my ass. That's 5 games that I have been denied a checkmark in, so far, and only 12 of the 48 games defeated. But nothing can deter THIS GUY from playing more games.
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Sticking with the Hack N' Slashers, I put in Champions: Return to Arms. It's time to enter the Kayad Forest, and kick the Kayad out of some orcs!

My goal is to eliminate 8 statues that I never find out what the hell they do. What? Wreck the white statues, you say? Will there be treasure? Oh there will? I'll do it!

I do it. I expect there to be some kind of big boss guy, but there isn't. Just a bunch of pansy orcs, orc archers, and orc shamans that conjure acid rain. I give most of them an arrow in the eye, or a double hacking with my dual weapon assault! It takes about thirty minutes, but I destroy all of the Orcs in the forest, and all 8 white statues. I go back to Fiona, the Goddess who gives me my stupid missions.

Now I have to enter the Nightmare Realm to find another of the lost shards. Oh joy! But, there's some Orc Caves that I want to explore first. I head back to the forest, find the checkmark near the Orc Caves, and call that a checkmark.

We're back in the positive zone. Yee-Aaaah!
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Time for some Xenosaga. After spending what felt like an eternity leveling grinding, I am finally ready to advance into the next chapter of the game. I go to the port city and buy some upgrades for my mechs, and then I'm off to an evil place called menopause. Wait, no it can't be called that. Let me consult my notes. Er...uh...Merkabah. Okay, then.

Another amazing, beautiful cut scene happens, and then we arrive. It's an abandoned manufacturing plant where evil cackling guy is hiding. Ah, not so abandoned, it has mechanical guards, and big giant mutated rat things that have poison claws!! Fortunately, I have anti-poison skill and ensure all of my characters are protected. So much for your power, Rat Things. I shoot them all in the head!

Xenosaga levels are extremely long, and after an hour of running through the maze and engaging robots and rat things in combaaaat, and pushing buttons, I unlock an elevator. I get in. Do you want to go up? It asks me. Duuur. No, think I'll just stand here drinking milkshakes.

I go up.

To the 41st floor. I kill some Rat things and enter a laboratory, where I learn information that a batch of Realians, a sentient race of androids, some with psychological problems, were shipped to a particular planet just before a battle in the big war. Hmm.

MoMo, the Japanese-game required anime cutie girl with the ability to bring giant meteors from the sky to smite my enemies with, happens to be a Realian. But she doesn't know anything about this.

We go up to the 42nd floor.
We kill more rat things. In this lab we learn that a bunch of soldiers injured in the war who have psychological problems were shipped to the same planet around the same time. What's the correlation, we dunno!

I find a save point. I decide to use it. While this is not a checkmark yet, I have now played the game for 90 minutes, and need a break from it to go do some real life chores. So, we're in mid-stage with this game in round three.
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Time for some Strategy. I load up Suikoden Tactics. I improve some skills, replenish healing potions, and head back into the Ruins. Once again, level one is full of Skeletons and their pet, the Giant Crab.

I guess the levels stay the same. The monsters regenerate, the treasure chests do not. Doh!

I wipe em out, this takes awhile. I keep Rachel, only level 2 in the back. She can only gain experience by attacking things, so I have her track down the elementals floating around, they don't fight back. She whacks one of the elemental balls with her giant mallet. GOOOOAAAAL! Rachel is up to level 3.

My main character goes up to level 9 in the battle, and its on to level 2.

Two treasure chests on this level. Yee-Hah. Some more skeletons, and uh oh what's this?

The deadly menace of Flying Fish. Not flying fish. RUUUUN AWAAAAY.

Hahaha. I'm not afraid of flying fish. We proceed to kieelll them!

Oh crap. Flying fish have Sleep Spell magic. They put Rachel to sleep. Rachel! No falling asleep on the--

They put my main character to sleep.

ZZZzzz

ZZZZZzzz
ZZZZZZ!!

Meanwhile, all of my other dudes are fighting skeletons and flying fish. My mage, Andarc has a Salad in his pack. Salad is the key to eliminating bad status ailments, in both your real life, and in Suikoden Tactics. Andarc stuffs salad into Rachel's drooling mouth, which wakes her up. She gets in some whacks on a flying fish, kills him, goes up to Level 4.

Both Andarc and Seneca (My crossbow thrower) rise to level 9 as they kill flying fish. And my martial artist dude and girlfriend, a brunette with a sword, take out the skeletons.

Eventually I wake up, even without the salad, and I kill a flying fish. Revenge is for good guys, and Revenge is Mine!

In the treasure chests are a Sniper's Gloves, bet that's for Seneca, and some Iron Mail for one of my warrior types, and we're done with the level. I could proceed on to level 3, but I am concerned that we're running out of healing potions, and that Rachel won't be able to handle Level 3. We'll go to the surface, and battle our way through again later. Next round though, its on to the next actual story mission, as I have level grinded enough for now in this game, I think.

That's a level grinding checkmark.
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Crysis time. This is one of my favorites of the 48. The technical issue made me start the game over from the beginning, so we're still early in this one.

I am heading towards a mission checkpoint, but there's plenty of North Korean KPA soldiers between here and there. Let's shoot them in the head, shall we?

We shall! I assault a group of KPA hanging out in a little house.

I give them the fast-action double pistol to the chest! I don't get to use this one a lot, because up close I prefer to use the shotgun, but I'm out of shotgun ammunition, and this seems to do the job just fine.

Man, these guys are messy. I thought I was doing the bachelor pad thing, but there's cans of food all over the ground, and other crap just lying everywhere.

Well, their blood-stained bodies are now lying here too. Heeey, grenades on the table. Nice. I confiscate all of their ammunition, and then I steal their car, because I'm the good guy.

It's a heavy duty truck, like the kind Ford makes. Perfect for this little dirt roads here in the Philippines. Yes, that's the storyline, the North Koreans illegally took over an area of the Phillipines and have taken five US scientists hostage. That's why I'm here. To free the hostages. Did you think I was just running around kicking ass at random?

I proceed to run around and kick ass at random. I drive the heavy duty truck towards the current mission area. I get a message from the squad leader, I need to get to where he's at, there's something interesting I need to see. Okay then. You're the boss. Yes, sir, and all of that.

KPA guys open fire on my Dodge truck. You bastards! I get out of the truck and run into the forest, and put on my armor's cloak power. Then I use my assault rifle to pick them off two and three at a time. I head up the mountainside since there are three more enemies on my radar.

They are checking out the gorgeous scenic view of the mountain, facing away from the trail. Wow. Look at that gorgeous scenic view. I admit, it's pretty nice.

I explode their faces with my assault rifle. Bye Bye! I take their ammo, more grenades, I am back up to 10, the max. Nice! I head towards the checkpoint. I will have to use my armor's special strength power to jump up some high rocks, but that's for next round.

I have advanced to the checkpoint. That's a checkmark.
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Pure Action Category: God of War

I head into the Oracle's Temple, Ah Hah, that's who that woman that the flying monkeys, er, harpies have got their hands on. There are two cracks in the wall here, one on each side of the room, and flying monkeys, er, harpies come at me by the score!

This is fun, I kill-i-fy them in legions. HAHAHA! But every now and again, they get a hit in. I get it. War of attrition. Unlike every other fight I've been in, these guys really are never ending. Okay, I run around, there's a gate, I lift it. I run up the stairs, the harpies don't pursue me. Was it really that easy?

Of course it wasn't. I get to the top of the stairs. More thin planks to cross. At least these ones don't have ice in them. Oh no, its right above the room with the unlimited harpies. They knock me down to the floor below. You flying yellow monkey harpy bastards!

There's a couple of statues in front of a couple of health crates. I pull one away. I get the health. What to do...wait a minute. Its a moving statue! Aha. I move it in front of the left hole. Now the harpies are blocks. Hoo Hah.

I fight off a ton coming out of the right hole. I slaughterify them. For fun I pull out my Medusa's head and turn a couple to stone. Eat it!

I move the statue in front of the right hole. No more flying yellow monkey harpy bastards. Yee-AHHH.

I get the health from the other chest, then I run up the stairs. Now I can cross the planks without--

I fall. I run back up. I try to cross the room.
I fall. I run back up. I try to cross the room.
I fall. I run back up. I try to cross the room.
I fall. I run back up. I try to cross the room.
I cross the room!

Save point. Yee-AHHH!

I head into the next room. Cut Scene!

The yellow monkey harpy bastards toss the Oracle in the air. She catches onto a long rope. She doesn't like it. I need to save her, she tells me.

Why would I do that? All right, all right, I'll do it!

Oh no, this room is all jumping. Fortunately, after tossing the Oracle, the harpies take off. After surveying the situation, I break open a wall to find a sixth Gorgon Eye-- That's a major increase to my overall health rating -- NICE!

The Oracle keeps nagging me.
"Why are you wasting time? Save me!" and other stuff like that. I hurl a spear at her! She dies horribly! I light up a stogie and go home. Game over. I win.

Just kidding, I don't do that. I realize there is a couple of statues to move again. Apparently this is the motiff of the Oracle Temple. Move statues around. Okay, I'll do it.

I do it. I end up stacking them on top of each other using an elevator. Ingenious! I then slide it over to the right spot, hop onto the roof of a small hut with a chest full of red yummies on it. That's my nickname for the red orb things that I absorb when I kill monsters and gain them like this. I use them to increase my powers. Yummy!

I jump onto a ramp and then back to where my statue is now positioned. From there I can get to a bridge. Cut Scene!

The Oracle tells me she's slipping. I'm running out of time to save her. Okay...cut scene ends. I have an obstacle course to get through and oh hell. An hour glass appears. Did I mention how much I hate timed missions?

I swing past the spinning blade thing, oops I got hit and sent to the ground. The Oracle falls and splatters her face!

Would I like to restart at the checkpoint? Ayup!

I get past the spinning blade things, zip around the bridges, swing across the rope like Tarzan, get to the last bridge area, mistime my jump and land on my ass down below. The Oracle falls and splatters her face!

Would I like to restart at the checkpoint? Ayup!

I get past the spinning blade things, zip around the bridges, swing across the rope like Tarzan, get to the last bridge area, jump onto the statue of Athena's magnifying glass?!?

Cut Scene: Kratos valiantly leaps across and saves the Oracle! I did it! Yee-Ahh! Now that I get a close look at her, I see why I saved her. She's uh, shirtless, with thin blue fabric hiding nothing. Hello. And I did just save you so how's about we duck behind these bushes over here for five min-

She touches my head and then goes inside it to see my past! Crap! So much for getting laid. Kratos is a bad ass, who raised an army for Spartan and slaughtered by the thousands, alienating his wife and child and in the end becoming consumed by his own desires. Attaboy!

The Oracle recoils and wants to know why I was chosen to stop Ares. Didn't you just see me save your life, moron? She tells me I can't beat Ares with my fists. I need Pandora's Box. She opens a special magic doorway to the desert, and warns me others have tried to find it but they all died without it. Thanks for the pep talk! I run through the doorway. Save point!

And with the story advanced and on to a new area, that is a checkmark.
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The Scoreboard: Round Three
If you're keeping score on my progress, we're 16-5-1

I consider Xenosaga to be neither a win nor a loss, since I have progessed well but played 90 minutes of that sucker, and I'll get back to it soon.

MIND TEASERS: 2 of 6 defeated
Chess Titans - 2
Gabriel Knight - 2
Mahjong Titans - 3
Sherlock Holmes - 2
Spider Solitaire - 3
World Series of Poker - 2

STRATEGY: 2 of 6 defeated
Civilization - 2
Europa Universalis - 2
Gladius - 2
Space Empires - 2
Suikoden Tactics - 3
World of Mixed Martial Arts - 3

SHOOTER: 2 of 6 defeated
Crysis - 3
Fallout 3 - 2
Freedom Fighters - 2
Killzone - 2 (Note to self: Stop getting shot in the head.)
Ring of Red - 2 (Note to self: It helps a lot if you hit the target)
Star Wars Battlefront - 3

PURE ACTION: 2 of 6 defeated
Devil May Cry - 3
God of War - 3
Madden Football - 2
Onimusha: Dawn of Dreams - 2
Soul Reaver 2 - 2
Soul Caliber - 2

SWORD SLASHERS - 2 of 6 defeated
Champions: Return to Arms - 3
Dark Cloud - 3
Drakengard - 2
.Hack Infection - 2 (Damn you Big Greenie!)
 Oblivion: Elder Scrolls - 2
Shadow of Rome - 2 (Must get better at hitting armed guards from behind with clay pots)

EPIC - FANTASY - 2 of 6 defeated
Dragon's Age Origin - 2
Dragon's Quest 8 - 2
Final Fantasy 12 - 2
Suikoden 3 - 3
Suikoden 4 - 2
Suikoden 5 - 3

EPIC - OTHER GENRES 2 of 6 defeated
Kingdom Hearts - 3
Marvel Ultimate Alliance - 2
Mercenaries - 2
Rogue Galaxy - 3
Star Ocean - 2
Xenosaga - 2  (Running through Menopause, I mean Merkabah)

ROCKSTAR MISSION BASED 2 of 6
Assassin's Creed - 2
GTA: Liberty City Stories - 3
Hulk: Ultimate Destruction - 3
Manhunt 2 - 2
The Warriors - 2
Urbz - 2